Meaningless procrastination

I'm sooooooo bad these days. I can't make myself do anything. I'm not learning anything at uni. It's so weird. I used to study all the time. Now I come home and do nothing. Unless I really really have to....and it seems like I can't make my brain feel I "really really have to" until around 1am on the day something is due.

I still have this habit of setting aside all this time for when I'm meant to be studying though. But all that time just goes past...and no study done. Sooooo baaaaaaaaaaaad. Can you believe it's Week 7 already? I lie in bed at night and think, if I don't do something about this soon, I'm going fail. I sit in lectures and think, I don't know what's going on, I'm going to fail. I sit in tutorials and think, I'm not even trying to pay attention, I'm going to fail. And funnily, the thought of failure isn't scary enough to force me into doing some work.

Maybe I would be more worried about failing if I wasn't so young for my year. The mature-age students, or the ones doing pharmacy as their second degree, they try really really hard. I fully admire the ones who are married with three kids and study pharmacy full-time, I don't know how they manage. I think pharmacy and looking after three goldfish might already be too much for me.

Maybe I would be more worried about failing if I had failed something before. You certainly wouldn't want to study the same subject three times (especially something like pharmacokinetics). Although you could hope that they radically change the course syllabus within that time and cut the subject out all together...?

Maybe I would be more worried about failing if I hadn't been so blessed with ridiculously good marks in the past. Maybe those days are gone forever now. The ending of an era, so to speak. Maybe this is how it's meant to be.

I feel like I've lost this part of me that has defined who I am for so long, and now I feel incomplete because I haven't found anything to replace it. This is starting to sound really cheesy, but hey, I'm just saying it how I think it is. It's probably also making me sound arrogant...oh well, I'll just hope people don't take caffeine-inspired posts too seriously. (Don't worry, it was only tea. I'm not stupid enough to drink coffee at this time of night. Although I have done it before :P)

Hmmm...I have so much to say when I'm not talking to anyone directly...why is that?

The bad thing about being introverted is that sometimes, when you finally do feel like talking, you find you don't know how to. Alexithymia. No words for feelings. Learnt that in a lecture last year. Funny the things you remember.



This is Little E, by the way. Kindly donated by a friend. I gave E a bit of a makeover. She's kind of hard to see being transparent and all, but at least she casts a shadow. I still think D is the prettiest, though :P

Better stop writing now so people can keep up with all these long, random posts I've been making recently.

*Sigh* I should try and blog about happier things...