10 Things I Hate About Myself

I hate it when I feel too tired for QTs or for prayer,
I hate that uni is so hard, I hate how I don't care.
I hate how things I should enjoy can seem like such a chore,
I hate how things that once made sense, don't make sense anymore.
I hate when I'm awake at night, I hate it when I cry,
I hate the way I get depressed and feel like I should die.
I hate when I think I should smile and say things are OK...
But mostly I hate not being able to finish this off properly, cos I'm all rhymed out for today!

An update (of sorts) on my boring life

My OSCE Exam Timetable (...no one knows what "OSCE" stands for...anyway, it's the exam for Pharmacy Practice you have to pass to pass the subject)

*cue ominous music*

Date of Exam: Tuesday, 8th November, 2005

Room to report to (preparation room): N410A


8:20AM - Time into Preparation Room (that is waaaaay too early to start an exam...)

9:10 - START Preparation Time

9:40 - END Preparation Time

9:45 - STATION 1 - Interview Patient

9:50 - Patient station 1a (computer)

9:55 - STATION 2 - Interview Doctor

10:00 - Doctor station 2a (computer)

10:05 - STATION 3 - Documentation (computer)

10:15 - STATION 4 - Prepare to Counsel (computer)

10:20 - station 4a (computer)

10:25 - STATION 5 - Counsel Patient


10:30 - 10:40 - QUARANTINE


(bwahahaha, "Quarantine"!!!....I can't believe they actually call it that...oh well, it's an accurate enough description, being kept isolated so we can't 'pass things on' to other students)



Waaaahhhh! I am going to die!....hmmm, then maybe I won't have to do my other five exams....

Lonely places

Buses are lonely places
People sitting in silence
Staring ahead or out the window
Sometimes sleeping, sometimes reading
They come and they go
Crowded, lonely places

Lecture theatres are lonely places
People sitting in silence (supposedly)
Staring at the front or at their notes
Sometimes sleeping, sometimes eating
They come and they go
Crowded, lonely places

Churches are lonely places
People sitting (hey, how was your week?)
Staring at the speaker or at their notes
Sometimes singing, sometimes drifting
They come and they go
Crowded, lonely places?

Internal supernova

There comes a point in your life where everything you are aware of, everything you have ever known, condenses itself into a tiny, heavy point, and then explodes - your personal Big Bang. Then you are flying in a million different directions at once, but headed nowhere; and you are left feeling hollow on the inside, for in that place where there once was everything, there is now nothing; it is speeding away from you so fast, that try as you may, you will never catch it.

You hope against hope that perhaps just one of those fragments is headed in the right direction, and perhaps it is just big enough to be able to eventually draw all the other pieces towards it by its own gravity, to once again fill the void, and be single-minded in heading for your destination.

Here is a question I asked some people last night (although in a way it was more for myself since no one ever really understands what's behind my questions except me): If you could choose whether or not to be born, would you want to be born? Defining "being born", I suppose, as more or less equivalent to "coming into existence". I can't remember the exact context in which I asked the question, although I think we were talking about relationships and life in general... after all, what else is there to talk about.

I think most people would say yes, right, because....what else is there, other than to be born and exist? But thinking about it again this morning, another strange question popped into my head: Is it natural to exist? Why should it be natural to exist rather than to not exist? Because I would have thought, it is innately more natural to not exist than to exist. To exist, you need to be created out of nothing, and the most unnatural thing I can think of is to be able to get something out of nothing.

I really should have done philosophy, but then again, perhaps it is just as well I didn't. In the end, that is not a practical question to be asking. I cannot somehow will myself into non-existence even I wanted to. I could choose to end my life, but I cannot choose to end my existence. I am not God.

*****
Switchfoot were back in town last night...didn't realise they would be here again so soon. I watched them perform live on Sunrise the TV breakfast show though (haha I actually taped it cos I had a really early driving lesson). Jon Foreman's thoughts on their new album are quite interesting...a bit of Ecclesiastes, a bit of the world, a bit of himself. I wonder what it would be like to meet the guy.

Sometimes the emptiness is filled by music, the laughter of a universe praising its Creator, an inexpressible and glorious joy.