PCRs

OK, it's lunchtime and my assignment isn't happening...so here's what I was thinking about as I was consuming my cooked proteins, fats and carbohydrates....

[if I had a label for "church stuff", this post would go under church stuff]

So...we've all had plenty of BGR (Boy-Girl Relationship) talks at church and plenty of BGR-based discussions in camp dormitories, in Bible studies, while generally hanging out, why you may even have had your youth group leader unsuspectingly spring a BGR talk on you while drinking coffee at a social...but anyway, my point is, BGRs have been done to death. Don't get me wrong, they are good to have once in a while (I mean, we're having one at Glue this term, which I think will be a good thing), but we are always doing BGRs.

What about PCRs? No, not Polymerase Chain Reactions (for those of you who know what that is), but Parent-Child Relationships. Cos you know, I know some people who have really good relationships with their parents, but then I also know a lot of people who don't. It's not necessarily that it's a bad or antagonistic relationship, but can just be a bit...indifferent? Better? Anyway I'm sure at least some of you get what I'm talking about.

We had a few parents/kids forum things at Glue ages and ages ago....but yeah, that was ages and ages ago. And I'm sure we've had sermons on passages about husbands/wives/elders/parents/children and what not...but yeah, I dunno, they've never really stuck.

So recently (i.e. about half an hour ago while eating lunch) I've been thinking up burning questions such as these:

• How should you relate to Christian parents? (I mean, on a practical level, what should it look like?)
• How should you relate to non-Christian parents?
• Does 'not fighting' with your parents constitute a 'good' relationship with them? Or should you be striving for more?
• What if you have a better relationship with one parent than the other?
• [In an Asian immigrant culture] How do you maintain relationships with "astronaut" parents? (sorry, direct translation from a weird Cantonese term - anyway it means the situation when typically the dad goes back to Asia to work and only sees the kids in Australia a few times a year)
• What if your parents are divorced?
• Do only children have a different relationship with their parents than children with siblings? What if your parents are overprotective? (What if your parents are Asian? lol)
• Actually, yeah, what if your parents are Asian/ have a different culture...and yeah, various issues stemming from that...
• What about (arrrgh!) ministers' kids? Missionaries' kids?? (OK, is it just me, or do people have certain stereotypes about what these families should be like?)
• Who should the parents love more, their spouse or their kids? (hmmm!)
• How should you relate to your parents once you move out of home/ get married?
• And from a Christian parent's perspective: how should you relate to kids who fall away?

Could go on forever...

But yes, PCRs! Because who else here thinks it's relevant and is sick of BGRs? (OK, I could be alone on this point here...)

New year, new me

Or at least that's what the whole New Year's resolutions thing is about anyway. But I've never really made any. Maybe this year I should?

Resolutions or not, I guess this year will be different anyway, because for the first time I will be working more hours than I study. (And I will actually have money. Wow. How scary.)

Work is a funny thing. Unlike study, you can leave work at work when you go home for the day, but at the same time it can s l o w l y t a k e o v e r y o u r l i f e......well, it's very easy if you let it, anyway. But then work also makes rest and play more....how to put it....well, it makes rest more restful and play more enjoyable. Yes. Hmmmm.

Hmmm.


[EDIT]:
spot the difference...

Just a thought

I'm glad I'm part of something so much bigger than the daily grind.

Knock knock. Who's there? Me. Me who? Me again...

To the committed readers of this humble blog, (lol this is sounding a bit formal isn't it?)

So I realise that I haven't written a proper blog post in aaaaaaaages (you know, like one of my really long ones where I write about lots of stuff). At least it feels that way. And maybe that's not such a bad thing, since I usually write those really long posts when I'm feeling depressed over something.

This post might turn out to be really long as well, but don't worry, it's not because I'm feeling depressed at the moment, this is more just because I haven't written about this yet, and I feel like I should. I'm meant to be in bed, but I started thinking about it, and then I felt compelled to get up and write something. Well, what's the point of holidays if you aren't allowed to get up in the middle of the night and write a blog post because you suddenly feel like it.

For those who I haven't talked to all that much this year, this might not all make sense, but that's ok, you don't have to understand it.

*****

So on Friday, it will be exactly six months since the day I came close to doing something very stupid. Or at least was thinking about it....or maybe more accurately, I wasn't really thinking. Not clearly anyway.

When I think about the events of that day leading up to those few hours and then everything else that happened afterwards.....it was only six months ago but it feels like it's been so much longer. More like two years. Maybe it has something to do with the mind trying not to remember bad memories, trying to protect itself from constantly reliving it.

Part of me now understands why it got to the point that it did, it's all stupidly simple, in fact (I probably knew it before but just didn't want to admit it to myself); but for the other part it still feels like this big, confusing, muddle of stuff that I have no idea about, and have no idea why it happened.

To most people, it probably looked like nothing had been different that week, after all, everything just went on the same afterwards...the only major difference being that I'd dropped a few subjects at uni for the rest of the year...

Looking back now I am glad that things turned out the way they did, in terms of uni anyway, there's no point beating myself up about not being able to finish my degree in four years; given the circumstances I don't think I could have even if I'd tried, and now I'm pretty glad that I had the extra time on my hands during this past semester, and will have another part-time year at uni next year. It's not all rosy yet but it's funny how things work out.

Sometimes I wonder what my relationship with God was like at that time, and what it's like now; have I grown from the experience...how do you know if you've grown anyway? I guess only God knows how well you really know Him and what your heart is really like...it kinda scares me that He can see right through me. Well, He is my creator.

I'm glad that since finishing exams I've had more time and energy to read His Word and feel like praying again...I'd been worried that for ages I'd barely talked to Him except at church and Bible study groups...I guess I still struggle with it but hopefully this good phase will last for a while...

What I've slowly come to realise in these past few years is that things that defined me when I was younger...while they're still part of who I am, they're in the past now and not relevant any longer...and this stage of "growing up" or whatever it is....it can be difficult to not have that clear sense of identity or purpose...

I don't if any of this makes sense or if anyone else can relate to it...But anyway...

I read somewhere that you shouldn't judge how you're going on a day to day, week to week, or even a monthy basis, because your feelings fluctuate a lot and you may go through good patches and rough patches, so you really should only compare yourself to how far you've come in the past six months...

So anyway, I'd just like to say, maybe just for myself, that six months on, I am feeling a lot better about things and think that I am headed in the right direction. Hopefully my evaluation isn't too premature. I think I'm still going to need a few more years to get over this fully, but I'm sure God has good plans for me and will look after me through all the things that may come in the future =) (The Psalms are a good read...)

I think in the process I might also try to be less cynical and more loving.

*****

That is all for now. Definitely time to go to bed, but I don't really feel like it...

Oh well, signing out anyway...

[ME!]

=)


P.S. Thanks for listening, if you've made it this far!

A random post about old things and new things

Waah! My dad got a new phone in Hong Kong! I despise the fact that both my parents have trendier mobile phones than me now!

Well not really. I'm not the sort of person who keeps up with the latest model of phone, although after four years, my Nokia 3315 is starting to feel a little dated. (Poor phone.) Hey, but it still works.

I've also had my current glasses frames since Year 12, so I think it might be time to get new ones...not that they're falling apart or anything (although they did fall apart at AnCon, luckily I packed contacts just in case!), I could probably wear them for a bit longer, until the screw at the side starts coming loose every other day or something...

That's the thing with life these days, you're constantly updating things when you don't really need to, there's a lot of stuff that you could keep using for years and years if there wasn't such thing as "going out of fashion".

Although I am glad that some things do go out of fashion. Corsets are one of them. Women should have the right to breathe as much as men.

And there are some things around the house that we still use that have been around for ages. Like my little pillow filled with down feathers, I've had it since I was one. I guess it's well and truly infested with Vivian germs by now. And I think most of the bed linen we use currently emmigrated with us from Hong Kong. And I have my Dad's copies of the Narnia series, printed in 1978 (except for The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, which got lost, so I have a new copy of that.)

So there you go. Old things, and new things. I think I'll leave it there.

Liar Liar

I'm a liar. Especially on Sundays. I tell more lies on Sundays than I do any other day of the week. Except maybe Fridays. I can think of at least four people I lied to last Sunday. Well maybe they weren't direct lies as such, more not volunteering the whole truth. But it's all the same. Maybe you were one of those people I lied to on Sunday. Maybe I've lied to you on previous Sundays.

Why do I lie? Is it called lying if you side-step answers to questions you don't want to talk about? What if it was even for the other person's benefit that you didn't go into the truth? And I'm not referring to gossip here. How much information are you obliged to reveal about yourself in a casual conversation? Sometimes it is less painful for all parties involved to just tell a white lie.

Why do people lie? Is it because people know they just aren't articulate enough to be able to tell the truth without hurting someone else's feelings or making someone else uncomfortable? Sure, you could give the "no comment" , or "I don't really want to go into that" response, but then people are going to read their own meaning into that.

Maybe people lie because they don't expect others to be encouraging in return. Why bother telling the truth when it will just be met with indifference, misunderstanding or a condescending sort of sympathy?

Hmmm...now I kinda understand why some people stop coming to church.

A post about dinner. Not really.

Statement: I don't usually talk much at meal times.

Reasons:
1) Because I eat slow enough as it is,
2) I'm too tired and hungry to make conversation,
3) I don't usually talk much anyway, regardless of whether it's a meal time or not.

So I was sitting at the dinner table tonight, and before long my parents started talking about some church issue, which is not an entirely unusual occurence during dinner at my place. In fact, it happens so often that I consider "dinner time" to be synonymous with "parents talking about church things".

Usually I turn my attention to satisfying my stomach, while my brain gradually zones out. This was happening tonight; my mouth was chewing and my brain was nearly out of it, when it picked up something interesting and thought, "Hang on, this is sounding controversial", so then it activates my mouth, which says "What's going on?" (It had stopped chewing at this point.) And my dad says "It's better if you don't know", and my brain is like "But you've been saying it all right in front of me anyway", and my stomach is like, "I want more food".

But my parents keep talking about it really loudly anyway, and so I eventually work out what the issue is vaguely, and I'm like, that's really dumb.

Grrrr at church *issues*.

OK, forget about having BGR talks, DaVinci Code seminars, WEWIN arvos, music workshops, youth houseparties, missions nights, dialogue dinners and evangelistic events (ok, maybe not the last few), what we really need is a "How to solve conflicts within the church in a Godly way" session, or a practical study on "How to rebuke lovingly".

I mean seriously! How much grief could be avoided if we just practised good communication skills! As an extremely incompetent pharmacy student, I know that's a lot more easier said than done, knowing the right thing to say comes with experience...but ok, can we just get some basics right...

For instance, there are times to use email, and there are times not to use email. Now email is a wonderful invention, it makes organising large groups of people so much more convenient...but there are some matters which should not be communicated using this form of technology. Or other similar forms (you know what they are).

OK whatever. That's all I would like to fume about. Shoot me down if you would like. But please consider carefully what mode of communication you are going to use before doing so.

Thank you for your attention.

(By the way, this post is not directed specifically at anyone I know.)

This is a bad time to blog/So much for epiphanies

Why is it that the less time I have and the more stressed I feel about having no time, the more I blog? But anyway, my dispensing prework is really boring, I'll just type up a stream of consciousness post and hopefully it won't take too long...

Life really sucks at the moment. Sort of. I don't know. I can start off a day feeling like everything will be alright, and by late afternoon, life will be really sucky (like last Friday). Or it can start off feeling really sucky, and by the end of the day things seem a little less hopeless (like today).

I don't get it. Am I the only one who spends disproportionate amounts of time contemplating the meaning of Life, The Universe and Everything (as opposed to doing things of immediate usefulness, such as assignments, vacuuming, and getting sleep)? I think of those of my fellow pharmaceutics honours students who have practically finished their literature review (of which I have barely started and will subsequently be very dead in Week 13) and I feel like asking them: how can you be so organised and focused on the task when there are so many big questions to ponder over? I mean, they're not Christian or of any other religion, why aren't they spending time wondering where they are going to go when they die and what the meaning of life is; whereas I'm a Christian and I'm wasting all my time trying to figure out what I'm supposedly already meant to know?? What is wrong with them? What is wrong with me?

Is it valid to be stressed and worried about your short term future in the context of already knowing your eternal purpose and destination? Because I'm worrying about my immediate future a lot at the moment, in particular the next five weeks leading up to Week13, and in terms of what next year holds for me (if I'm still alive then). What if I can't get a job? Will these past 4 years of self-inflicted suffering have been for nothing? I don't even want this career! And don't ask me what else I would want to do because I don't know!

Am I wrong in worrying whether or not I'll be unhappy for the rest of my life? Are Christians theoretically not supposed to be worried? Is the certainty of what comes after death somehow meant to ease the frustration of the uncertainty of this life?

To what extent are we in control of what happens to us? (oh no, not this topic)

What is real life? Is it an existence involving a relationship with God, the one who made you and gave you life a purpose? Why is God hidden to so many people? Why does God allow Himself to be hidden and overlooked? Why is it easier to believe what we can see? Why do so many people only accept what's right in front of them? Are ordinary things really ordinary? Isn't it amazing that anything exists at all?

Are we meant to be content? Does it matter if we never reach contentment in this life? Any disappointments or joys in this life will be nothing compared to the joy we'll experience in eternity.

What do people really desire? Could you sum it up in a few words? In terms of existence, we want purpose and security. In terms of relationships, we want to be understood and accepted. Purpose, security, understood, accepted...aren't all these things found in God?

But I don't get it! I don't like not being able to understand it all; why what I feel doesn't correlate with what I know, why it changes from hour to hour...and you know what? I'm really sick of thinking. Thinking too much and not doing enough; why God made me like this, I would like to know. I don't want to be old and finally understand everything and then realise I've wasted all my able-bodied, medication-free (and side effect-free) days not doing all the things that could have been done. Although the drugs would probably add a few years to my life.

A day of the unexpected

So I was walking from Eastern Ave to Bosch for my next lecture which was still about 45 min away this afternoon, strolling along down Physics Road; I look to my right at what's happening down on the rectangular field of grass known as The Square, and what should I see but a bunch of people in dark blue uniforms playing a game of soccer - hey, those uniforms look really familiar...it was Nerds FC! Or half of them anyway, there were about seven people in blue, and some other non-Nerds people playing with them. So I go down to investigate further...one of them definitely looks like Tim, I wonder if Angi's around...and lo and behold, I find Angi sitting near the side watching them. So yay! So I went and said hi to Angi, and the guys were just about finished their game and went to get their stuff from the side as well. It is rather weird seeing people you've seen on TV up close. There was the captain guy, and the guy who thought that they shouldn't have a captain, and the guy with the beer gut. Yeah, I'm very descriptive, I know.

I asked Angi if they still got together on a regular basis to play soccer, and apparently this was the first time they've played since the end of the series, the reason for this meeting was because Honi Soit is doing an article on them or something. Anyway, after a while they all left, and Angi and Tim went to get food, I went with them for a while before leaving to go to my lecture.

So yeah, that was rather unexpected. In a good way though.

*****

On a completely unrelated note, I think I've had an epiphany this week, regarding my life and existence. It probably wouldn't be an epiphany for anyone else, but I feel that I've come to some sort of breakthrough in my thinking. Although the last time I had an epiphany, it didn't last for long and I kinda went back to where I was before. Hopefully it won't be like that again this time.

People are complex.

That is all.

Things that flow

Time is a relative phenomenon:
Trickling when words fail,
Spurting in dreams,
Flowing in the joy of a moment.

Listening to familiar voices through paper-thin walls
In drowsiness I feel detached from late-night activity
Too tired to bother to make things rhyme
Just a need for ink to flow along with the time
(Ok, but that rhymed.)

Tonight my eyes feel dry
Heater made the air warm and toasty
Thought-clouds above my head too weather-beaten
For tears to flow
(Maybe just don't want to let go.)

Time to sleep in restless slumber
Laughter, handwriting, hair, a tangled mess
Straighten it out in morning's thunder
Though skies pour with rain, the time flows no less.

(January 2006)

Is it light?

Through a montage of experiences we grow,
Moments strung together bead by bead,
Pieces pushed together, patchwork sewn,
Loose threads and untied ends pull at the seams.

If this never comes to pass,
My spirit will not break.
As fragile and cruel as broken glass,
With tears and blood we give and take.

And if I never come to feel
The warmth of something bright and real,
I know with blood my wounds are healed,
My prize no thief can ever steal.

I may not ever close my hand

Around dreams that slip like grains of sand,

My heart no one may understand,

But this is my part in a greater plan.

Love is pain

They say that we might be too young
To truly know the meaning of love
But you can't be too young to know of pain
And perhaps somehow it's all the same


I've been told I should update my blog... *sniff* I bet you once uni starts I'll be blogging far more often than I do now in the holidays, when I actually have spare time to do stuff like blog...funny that...

Anyway...

People have always said love hurts, and I guess that's true, though I have decided to categorise them into two sorts:

One is the self-inflicted torture kind of love (or "love", or *love*, or l.o.v.e., or any other sort of love that gratuitously incorporates punctuation). This is the sort of love that gets sung about in songs on the radio; the boy-likes-girl-but-girl-thinks-boy-is-a-twit sort of love, the I-know-you've-left-me-but-I'll-keep-on-stalking-you sort of love, or even the I-love-my-guitar-so-much-I'm-gonna-play-it-till-my-fingers-bleed sort of love (although that last one is a bit tangential and would probably be in a spin-off category on it's own).

This is sort of love, while exerting a heavy emotional burden on the subject's consciousness, is in a way, completely and utterly useless, because it is focused on either the future or the past; it has no real relevance to the person's present existence (other than exerting a large gravitational force on the shoulders of one's soul, if indeed a soul could be said to have shoulders). So an example of Self-Inflicted Torture Love grounded in the future would be the person who wishfully hopes the object of their love would some day reciprocate their feelings, that all their dreams would be fulfilled...and an example of this sort of love grounded in the past would be someone pining after last season's relationship that went out of fashion in the worst way possible, wishing time would rewind to that wonderful place in history.


The second sort of love that hurts is self-sacrificing love. This sort of love, while absent of gratuitous punctuation, is in fact the sort of Love that deserves to be capitalised (if you're the sort of person who can be bothered to capitalise things). Self-Sacrificing Love is not trendy, sexy, cool or marketable (unless you are from Hillsong). I would say that it is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast and is not proud, but that would be ripping off some dude called Paul. It is the sort of Love that makes a new mother get up several times a night to feed her child, the Love that sees you talking to a loner when you would rather be doing something else, it is the sort of Love that tells someone they've done something wrong even though they might hate you for it. Love serves others. Love is what nailed Jesus to a cross, to reconcile to God the people He Loves.

Love is not lost in memories of the past or dreams of the future, though it can look back and forward to these things. But Love is to be lived now, both in your mind and amongst other people now, otherwise there would be no future to long for and no past to cherish.

Love is not to be wrapped up in protective layers, as if it were a fragile moment in time, hanging on a wisp of silence, afraid to be broken in the way a gaze can be broken. Love cannot be afraid, because it seeks to speak to people's fears.**


While the first sort of love is not like the second sort of love, both are felt, and both hurt. So I guess both can be learned from, because pain, I believe, is what they call character-building stuff.


~Um, end of sermon....~


Sooooo....it's probably not all as simple as all that, I am only "young" after all....yes, disagree with whatever you like, there's probably more holes in there than in a piece of Swiss cheese.


**For more on love, layers and fears, see Encouragement: The Key to Caring, by Dr. Larry Crabb and Dr. Dan Allender, a book which has spread through a certain sub-sect of WS over the past few months faster than you can say "plague, without the negative connotations".

Rusty

It's that time of year once again
That time when people like to spend
Time with family and friends
At least that's the message breakfast shows send

I wonder if people feel rusty and old
Some relationships might've been left damp and cold
Through the year things that time mysteriously stole
Now discovered missing as conversations unfold

Silence 'midst ringing of cash registers and bells
Silent sighs drowned as Christmas choruses swell
Violence on shorelines supposedly quelled
Heat waves aren't friendly but you never could tell

It's that time of year once again
That time that's an excuse for people to spend
Money on their family and friends
At least that's the message advertisements send

Christmas morning, people calling
Churches fill, celebrating the birth of a child
Seemingly irrelevant, traditional and mild
Red-green colour blindness takes over for a while

National Training Event 2005 (long post!)

There are lots of different sorts of doors.

Old splintering doors. Doors which look newer than its surrounding house. Painted doors, polished wooden doors. Solid doors, and doors with panels of frosted or stained glass - blue birds, red flowers. Doors with fly screens, doors with security screens. Doors with security screens that can't be seen through from the outside. Doors that open to the left and doors that open to the right. Doorbells: Round buttons, rectangular buttons, brass ones that you have to twist and sound like a bicycle bell. Ones that go "ding dong" and ones that play a tune. Wrought iron door knockers. Doors with no bells or knockers. Doors with Christmas decorations. Door with cobwebs.

Doors that are left open behind screens to let the breeze in. Doors with voices behind them. A scuffle, a shadow of movement. Doors that are opened. Doors that are silent. Doors that stay shut.

Where do I begin? It feels as if I have been away from home for a month, when it was just a bit over a week. I got less sleep than I usually would over the last few days, but came home feeling refreshed.

(Although that feeling of refreshment only lasted until Sunday night, have been very tired these past two days, muscles are aching for no reason, have been sneezing and have a slightly blocked nose. Not sure if it's a cold or maybe hayfever.)

Canberra was a nicer city than I remembered it to be. Fresh air, greenery everywhere, arty architecture, wide roads, sparse traffic. Got to do some touristy stuff during free time, like see the Aboriginal tent embassy, go to the war memorial, the National Museum (which wasn't there the last time I went), drive around the embassies, see question time at Parliament House, walk along the side of the lake and pull the whistle on a steam boat! And it was my first time at the ANU too. They have a nice campus.

The conference part of NTE seems like so long ago now, but it was great to see around 1000 people from all over Australia, and even people from Fiji, gathered in one place to learn from and study God's word. The theme was The Fellowship of the King, and the two speakers, Richard Chin and Richard Gibson did a good job of entertaining everyone by bagging each other out continually in their respective talks. As well as preach faithfully from the Bible, of course. I think a lot of people found Gibbo's third talk the most memorable/challenging - that we are to have genuine, unfeigned, forgiving, self-sacrificing love for others, reflecting Christ's love for us.

There were moving stories shared from people in the mission field- the man who almost broke down in tears when he spoke of his wife's parents being "very angry at what they do"....Esther, the girl who grew up with missionary parents in India...I remember her waist long blonde hair tied up in a plait, her quiet, articulate voice that remained so calm as she shared with 1000 people of how her father and brothers were brutally murdered...But there were also happier stories, like the work of the PSFC (Pacific Students for Christ, I think it was), the student organisation in Fiji - "It's like what's happening in Australia - except it's in Fiji!"...And funny stories - the people who drove across Australia from Perth in a bus that kept breaking down (apparently it happens every year?)



For the mission part, half the people from Sydney Uni went to Belmore, and the other half went to Ashfield, to help out St John's Anglican (which is the church Andrew Katay is at now). I think we all arrived there safely from Canberra, after detours to various people's houses to collect enough bedding for 20-something people, as we only found out we would actually be sleeping in the church hall for the duration of the mission, the day before we came back up from Canberra.

I think we were a bit worried when we heard there was only one shower, and wondered how we would get to sleep in the heat with insects falling on our heads. But it turned out to be alright. I've never been billeted before, but I think camping out with everyone in the church made it so much more fun. The heat dispersed as the cool night breeze blew through the open windows, the whirring ceiling fans chased off the insects (or did they go out with the lights?), there were more than enough air matresses/bedrolls/sleeping bags/pillows for everyone to sleep comfortably, no one snored (until the last night)....and you got to wake up to blinding light streaming through the east windows at 6am in the morning!

But seriously, on that first night at Ashfield, as I lay in my sleeping bag, on top of two bedrolls, on the wooden floor of the church hall, staring up at the rich wooden panelling of the ceiling (which you didn't fully appreciate unless you were flat on your back), I remember thinking to myself, at that moment there was nowhere else I'd rather be. Because I was surrounded by people who I'd gotten to know a bit better over the past few days in Canberra, and who I would get to know even more over the coming few days, as we worked together to put St. John's, which has been in decline for the past 50 years, back into the consciousness of the community of Ashfield. And I was almost excited that I would get to be doing God's work over the next few days, even though at the same time I was anxious, because it would be new and unfamiliar to me.

And the next few days proved to be not disappointing - it was challenging, tiring, self-stretching stuff, but not so challenging that it was unachievable. Even though I felt like a novice at times (which I was), by the end of the camp I felt as though I, we, had accomplished something. Small victories. For ourselves as individuals, and for what we were working for. And hopefully, even though they were so small, they will have a bit of an impact on the church in the long run.

Doorknocking in 30 degree heat - you got thirsty and sweaty. But aside from that, it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. In large part thanks to the awesome and very experienced staff worker I was paired up with for most of the time...but yeah, it was a great learning experience. A lot of people weren't home, most wanted to be brief, some didn't speak English, some were nice but uninterested, some bluntly refused, and one or two we held long conversations with. I started out wishing I didn't have to do it, but by the end of the last session, I regretted not having time to do more. So many doors, so many people who didn't know what they needed to hear. So many people who shut out what they needed to hear.

What else did we do...standing at the entrances to Ashfield station at 7:30am in the morning to hand out Christmas quizzes, running a stall outside Ashfield mall on Saturday (and handing out more Christmas quizzes there too), half the people in the team ran a kid's club as well....some people gave their testimony during the services on Sunday, and some of us did an item - we sang/played In Christ Alone during holy communion (which was cool since we didn't have music or lyrics for it and it still sounded good in the end!)

There is so much more I could write about even though this post is now massive...like the possum and the baby possum we saw crawling around the rafters in the church hall, and the crazy sing-a-long with the piano on the last night, and the BBQ that almost went up in flames but the chicken turned out just right...

Sigh. I felt rather sad having to leave on Sunday afternoon, although the other half of me was ready to go home after a long week. There were a few EU faces I was just starting to get to know a bit better, and God had blessed us with such sunny weather for us to do what had needed to be done that week, and we had worked so well together and learnt so much in the process. Until next time. We're not done yet.

Because God's work is never done. As we see on the news, there are so many people who are ignorant of the love of God. We looked at 2 Cor 4:1-6 in one of our team meetings, and it was such a good reminder of what we do...

2 Corinthians 4
1Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. 2Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. 3And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. 4The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. 6For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

Doors. The interface between the outside and the inside, where lives can meet. Maybe where lives can be changed.

Glue tertiary group social

Sometimes I wish I was wise. I don't know the standard amount of wisdom a nineteen year old should possess, but an abundant supply of wisdom would come in handy when sitting down to think about things. And I don't just mean thinking about things, I mean, thinking about things (there is a difference).

I guess today a lot of little unexpected things happened. We woke up and it was raining. It was bright and sunny by lunchtime. Someone rocked up wearing a wig. Ended up going to Stanwell Tops instead of the national park. Found a blue-tougued lizard at the beach. Heard someone was in hospital. Nearly got lost driving back from the beach. And we talked about serious stuff in the car on the way there and back. (I'm not saying it's a bad thing it was serious. I just didn't expect it to be.)

What sort of stuff did we talk about....argh, my memory is failing me...ok, I'll just mix in my own thoughts as well...

Do we really rely on our leaders too much? I'd never really given it much thought, how much we rely on them. For what? To give us the answers in bible study? Well, we don't always ask for them, some of them just like to talk =p. To organise KYC, and things we can do to help other people...Are we really that spoon-fed, and we don't even know it? How much responsibility do we take ourselves, growing ourselves as Christians, spurring one another towards love and good deeds...

Are our conversations too shallow? Surely people are deeper than their jobs, courses, exams, what they did during the week. Why do we find it hard to talk about what is troubling us, about our weaknesses in how we are going. Do we not trust each other enough? Two weeks ago in bible study, we agreed that loneliness affects everyone. OK. So where are all the lonely people?

Are we too analytical in the way we deal with God's word... too lacking in emotion? Are we too analytical in our relationships with one another?

The words we speak are here today and gone tomorrow, but their effects can last forever.

Parting comments went something like: "Thanks for the conversations."
"That's ok, you should be having them without me."

Sometimes I wonder if some of our leaders were ever kids.

Brain is feeling rather sun-drenched at the moment. You know that feeling, when you've been out in the sun all day, and then you can't think properly. Often accompanied by feeling salt and sand blasted. I feel like I should think more about these issues and find answers to questions, but it probably wouldn't get anywhere. Discussions with yourself generally never do.

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Where is the meaning in everything? Did what we do today have any meaning? Did it have eternal value?

I don't think I'm on very friendly terms with reality at the moment. Sometimes I find hanging out with reality a rather excruciating experience. Daydreams are a lot nicer. Completely under your control and can be as complicated or uncomplicated as you wish. You can progress at your own pace and jump back and forth to your own liking. The past and the future are both just a thought away.

This is the curse of consciousness, to be able to dream of freedom while trapped within the confines of reality. Peace with reality is so hard to come by. You think about it too much and it eludes you.

It was a questionably beautiful day
Cloudless skies and burning rays
Seduced too soon by the heat of noon
The morning cool melts away

What are we searching for
What are we hoping for
Some kind of escape
Some kind of awake
An end to all these beautiful mistakes?

To this questionably beautiful face
In this questionably beautiful place
I have nothing to say
For what will take away your pain?
Lost in beautiful grace
Lost and gone without a trace

Questionably Beautiful

Is it just me, or what is it with the recent (and not so recent) proliferation of songs with "beautiful" in the title? Darren Hayes, James Blunt, Pete Murray, Christina Aguilera, and probably a whole bunch of other songs I don't know.

Where are the songs about being ugly? (besides Not Pretty Enough....and anyway, that was more about being invisible) Or at least about being questionably beautiful? Like, you have nice eyes, but your hair is really ugly, but if you wore a hat, then I might just be swayed towards thinking that you're beautiful? Or, I think you're as beautiful as a beautiful cow, or something like that.

Ahh...don't mind me.

Lonely places

Buses are lonely places
People sitting in silence
Staring ahead or out the window
Sometimes sleeping, sometimes reading
They come and they go
Crowded, lonely places

Lecture theatres are lonely places
People sitting in silence (supposedly)
Staring at the front or at their notes
Sometimes sleeping, sometimes eating
They come and they go
Crowded, lonely places

Churches are lonely places
People sitting (hey, how was your week?)
Staring at the speaker or at their notes
Sometimes singing, sometimes drifting
They come and they go
Crowded, lonely places?

Internal supernova

There comes a point in your life where everything you are aware of, everything you have ever known, condenses itself into a tiny, heavy point, and then explodes - your personal Big Bang. Then you are flying in a million different directions at once, but headed nowhere; and you are left feeling hollow on the inside, for in that place where there once was everything, there is now nothing; it is speeding away from you so fast, that try as you may, you will never catch it.

You hope against hope that perhaps just one of those fragments is headed in the right direction, and perhaps it is just big enough to be able to eventually draw all the other pieces towards it by its own gravity, to once again fill the void, and be single-minded in heading for your destination.

Here is a question I asked some people last night (although in a way it was more for myself since no one ever really understands what's behind my questions except me): If you could choose whether or not to be born, would you want to be born? Defining "being born", I suppose, as more or less equivalent to "coming into existence". I can't remember the exact context in which I asked the question, although I think we were talking about relationships and life in general... after all, what else is there to talk about.

I think most people would say yes, right, because....what else is there, other than to be born and exist? But thinking about it again this morning, another strange question popped into my head: Is it natural to exist? Why should it be natural to exist rather than to not exist? Because I would have thought, it is innately more natural to not exist than to exist. To exist, you need to be created out of nothing, and the most unnatural thing I can think of is to be able to get something out of nothing.

I really should have done philosophy, but then again, perhaps it is just as well I didn't. In the end, that is not a practical question to be asking. I cannot somehow will myself into non-existence even I wanted to. I could choose to end my life, but I cannot choose to end my existence. I am not God.

*****
Switchfoot were back in town last night...didn't realise they would be here again so soon. I watched them perform live on Sunrise the TV breakfast show though (haha I actually taped it cos I had a really early driving lesson). Jon Foreman's thoughts on their new album are quite interesting...a bit of Ecclesiastes, a bit of the world, a bit of himself. I wonder what it would be like to meet the guy.

Sometimes the emptiness is filled by music, the laughter of a universe praising its Creator, an inexpressible and glorious joy.