Knock knock. Who's there? Me. Me who? Me again...

To the committed readers of this humble blog, (lol this is sounding a bit formal isn't it?)

So I realise that I haven't written a proper blog post in aaaaaaaages (you know, like one of my really long ones where I write about lots of stuff). At least it feels that way. And maybe that's not such a bad thing, since I usually write those really long posts when I'm feeling depressed over something.

This post might turn out to be really long as well, but don't worry, it's not because I'm feeling depressed at the moment, this is more just because I haven't written about this yet, and I feel like I should. I'm meant to be in bed, but I started thinking about it, and then I felt compelled to get up and write something. Well, what's the point of holidays if you aren't allowed to get up in the middle of the night and write a blog post because you suddenly feel like it.

For those who I haven't talked to all that much this year, this might not all make sense, but that's ok, you don't have to understand it.

*****

So on Friday, it will be exactly six months since the day I came close to doing something very stupid. Or at least was thinking about it....or maybe more accurately, I wasn't really thinking. Not clearly anyway.

When I think about the events of that day leading up to those few hours and then everything else that happened afterwards.....it was only six months ago but it feels like it's been so much longer. More like two years. Maybe it has something to do with the mind trying not to remember bad memories, trying to protect itself from constantly reliving it.

Part of me now understands why it got to the point that it did, it's all stupidly simple, in fact (I probably knew it before but just didn't want to admit it to myself); but for the other part it still feels like this big, confusing, muddle of stuff that I have no idea about, and have no idea why it happened.

To most people, it probably looked like nothing had been different that week, after all, everything just went on the same afterwards...the only major difference being that I'd dropped a few subjects at uni for the rest of the year...

Looking back now I am glad that things turned out the way they did, in terms of uni anyway, there's no point beating myself up about not being able to finish my degree in four years; given the circumstances I don't think I could have even if I'd tried, and now I'm pretty glad that I had the extra time on my hands during this past semester, and will have another part-time year at uni next year. It's not all rosy yet but it's funny how things work out.

Sometimes I wonder what my relationship with God was like at that time, and what it's like now; have I grown from the experience...how do you know if you've grown anyway? I guess only God knows how well you really know Him and what your heart is really like...it kinda scares me that He can see right through me. Well, He is my creator.

I'm glad that since finishing exams I've had more time and energy to read His Word and feel like praying again...I'd been worried that for ages I'd barely talked to Him except at church and Bible study groups...I guess I still struggle with it but hopefully this good phase will last for a while...

What I've slowly come to realise in these past few years is that things that defined me when I was younger...while they're still part of who I am, they're in the past now and not relevant any longer...and this stage of "growing up" or whatever it is....it can be difficult to not have that clear sense of identity or purpose...

I don't if any of this makes sense or if anyone else can relate to it...But anyway...

I read somewhere that you shouldn't judge how you're going on a day to day, week to week, or even a monthy basis, because your feelings fluctuate a lot and you may go through good patches and rough patches, so you really should only compare yourself to how far you've come in the past six months...

So anyway, I'd just like to say, maybe just for myself, that six months on, I am feeling a lot better about things and think that I am headed in the right direction. Hopefully my evaluation isn't too premature. I think I'm still going to need a few more years to get over this fully, but I'm sure God has good plans for me and will look after me through all the things that may come in the future =) (The Psalms are a good read...)

I think in the process I might also try to be less cynical and more loving.

*****

That is all for now. Definitely time to go to bed, but I don't really feel like it...

Oh well, signing out anyway...

[ME!]

=)


P.S. Thanks for listening, if you've made it this far!