Sleepless nights (take 2)

I don't like it when I feel depressed, but obviously that's the same for everybody else too.

I wonder how other people would describe it? For me, I think it's something I feel I should let out in some way...So it really sucks when your brain feels like crying but your eyes don't.

I guess I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis at the moment, you know, the typical adolescent thing - trying to work out their place in the world, etc, etc.

I have a pretty introverted personality, so I suppose there's a lot of me I don't show to other people. Or perhaps in actual fact I selectively pick which parts of me I show to certain people. When I think about it, I confuse myself - is it like there's one side of me that best represents the "real me", or do all the different sides contribute to the "real me" equally, or am I just going psycho and turning into Smeagol/Gollum, or what? Or maybe it's just normal.

Like everyone else, I get good days and bad days. I like to think that the "good days" are the norm, which are occasionally punctuated by bad days.

But I go through times when I feel like it's the other way round - everything is just one long bad day, with brief periods of "normality" that stop you from feeling like you've got no hope at all.

And where does God come in amongst all of this? I know He's there, which is always something that comforts me, but wallowing in self-pity is comforting in it's own way too. It gives you an excuse for not trying. It puts you where you want to be - the centre of your attention.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, because I just keep thinking...about stuff that makes me feel sad, or angry, or whatever. At its worst, I feel like I have to try really hard to breathe...I don't know why, it just feels like I'm not getting enough air or something.

Somtimes I'll still be awake when my room starts to change colour (well, go from black to less black) in the early hours of the morning - it's kind of like watching the sun rise, but not really...even though you can't see the sun, in the back of your head, you know it's rising because of the effects it has on what you can see.

Then I'll eventually drift off and get a little bit of sleep before my alarm clock wakes me up again...I open my eyes and everything in my room is bright and lit up (well, providing the day isn't overcast, which really sucks after you've had a bad night's sleep). And then I have to get up and do whatever needs to be done for the day (which, at the moment, is not much, seeing as I'm still on holidays).

I lot of the time I worry about what other people think about me, but common sense tells me that no one really minds that much, because they're probably all too worried about themselves, and what other people will think of them. Which is kind of sad and funny at the same time.

~???? ???? ???? ????~

So, that's me....well, the part of me I chose to reveal in that bit of writing anyway. The "unmaudlinated" version, if you like...If that's at all possible for my overemotional teenage personality :P